I am done for this semester.

Honestly I wish I have few more days of school left.  One more year, and I am done.  I don’t think I will be able to reach my goals by the time I graduate next may.  I don’t think I will have enough time to learn and do things I would like to.  If I could, I would devote my summer researching for thesis, doing independent projects and such, instead of working as any responsible 25 years old male would do.  Not enough time.  Architecture is bigger than I thought.  

Tonight, I went to studio and cleared out my desk.  It felt good and weird.  I am not graduating.  I have one more year, yet, having mixed feeling of unsatisfied and satisfied.  I didn’t feel it this way when I finished each year in undergrad.  Maybe because, school means more to me as it was my choice to continue.  Anyway, before I walked out from studio, I finally ate instant pumpkin soup I’ve been saving over a month.... good closure, don't u think?

project was over this monday.  i am relieved.  although it was a humbling experience, it was a valuable lesson and i am looking forward to next project.

there are some international students from korea, and i am glad that they are here.  for me, i have hard time talking about my project and asking feed back from other students.  maybe it's because of pride.  maybe it's because i know that they don't have more experience than me.  with international students from korea, i can ask for honest feedback without doubt or 2nd thought.  they are older than me and usually have more experience.  the have more passion in architecture.  although they struggle with english, and often i help them, in architecture, there are many things to learn from them.  one in particular, he has his m.arch in structure obtained in korea already, and going for another m.arch here, so he can practice here in the states or pursue ph.d later.  i learned alot from just talking to him.  i wish i would've went upto him and ask him for feedback for my last project.  i am looking forward to learn from them as well as from other students.

on saturday night, thought occured to my mind.  "while i will be at church on sunday morning, my class mates will come to school and working on project"  until sunday morning, i was tempted.   honestly i was disappointed in myself and was asking, "am i this low?"  sermon was about prayer, and i could relate to that somehow.  after thinking i am going to stop working on this (it's never complete), before i went to bed, i read one of notes, one that one youth group student wrote.  it was written, "...study hard!! but at the same time, keep doing it for God."  i've been forgetting and neglecting whom i live for, whom i should study for.  it was a sweet reminder, probably because that word of wisdom came from the youth group student.

it seems as i write xanga entries only about architecture and my struggles.  i wish i have good things to share about.  maybe later 

ohh... i have one good news to share.  i found $5 on the floor. 

5 weeks project is due next monday.

now i am working on rendering.  more i work on it, more i look at it, it becomes clear that it is the worst design i've ever done.  honestly i am embarassed about this.  i am afraid to let other people see my design.  it is too late to change my design now.

wow.  i just want this project to be done with and start another one.  definitely i didn't spent too much time on design.  i didn't experiment enough.  it's just so simple and ugly. 

i admit i am afraid of what other architecture students would think about my project and my ability.  they don't know me yet.  it is very first project to show what i am capable of, and first impression will stay.  and i totally blew this project.  with other majors, no one knows what you get on tests and papers unless you tell them.  with architecture, we have clear ideas who's good, who's ok and who's bad.  we look at other people's works and pass judgements.  and i just took a very first step to be known as someone who's bad.  because i have ego and pride, i am hurt and embarassed. 

i've been getting As in studios, and was recognized on a competition.  i had a good reputation as an architecture student.  that reputation became useless in a new environment.  the thought that i was better, kept me confident.   not anymore.  i am frustrated and embarassed as much as i was proud before.

hopefully this embarassment will motivate me work harder for next project.

this entry is personal.  it shows my heart motives.  it shows my weaknesses and struggles.  i am just being honest and i wanted to share.